All in Letters to Ourselves
We need to talk. What about? Everything.
When I say everything I mean this: It's time for us (myself included) to look in the mirror and deal with our fuck shit. Often as we grow, instead of going inward, we lash out. Think about it: you may have a great job, own your home and you look good.
I am deeply apologetic about not honoring your brokenness. It has been awhile since I have really set with all that comes with being black and gay. I have accepted your love as a requirement versus a privilege. I have looked at you just as much of a fetish as a white man looking for a big, black cock; not being able to articulate my admiration from your sense of showing up without minimalizing it as a sexual attraction.
Have you ever looked at someone you dated and felt like you lost something? Not in the "I miss the sex" or "I miss the times we had" kind of way, but in an "I really fucked this up type of way".
This blog post is a part of my ever evolving truth and a small account of my life over the last 12 months. This is a piece about my budding transition and how I have arrived at this place in my life. I imagine this to be hard to read for some as it will mean the death of the idea they have created of me in their heads.
Today is World AIDS Day.
I have been living with HIV for 16 years. When I was diagnosed at 22 years old, I didn't think I would see my 30’s. Here I am looking forward to turning 40 years old next year and looking forward to living another 40 years. I've graduated with 2 degrees and now working on a Doctorate program.
I apologize that we, gay black men, are sometimes no better than the rest of the world. That we treat you all like accessories, and wear you out and about, after 5 in the club but aren't there when it matters most. That we only respect your transitions if you meet our standards of beauty and femininity.
I want to first say: I am gay. I know when I speak with you, generally, you don't think that matters from me: I know I look a little "less gay" than the normal guy, but I am openly and exceptionally gay. Let's get that out the way.