Beloved, We Need to Talk about Our Sh*t
Dear You Reading This,
We need to talk. What about? Everything.
When I say everything I mean this: It's time for us (myself included) to look in the mirror and deal with our fuck shit. Often as we grow, instead of going inward, we lash out. Think about it: you may have a great job, own your home and you look good.
To the world and those you choose to let into your life, you've got your head on pretty straight. However, what the world doesn't see are your fears, insecurities, anger, and childhood pains. Beloved, it is time to drop the mask.
If in your life you've gone from man to man, dick to dick or job to job, you're not dealing with life; you're running from something. Stop running from your pain beloved, whatever it is. Deal with your shit or shut what they call the fuck up!
Ask yourself this hard but necessary question: have you ever sat in your pain? Chances are you haven't. Sadly, for many of us, not only as gay men but men period, we don't know what it's like to sit in that deep, mask falling off pain. The kind of pain that makes you change your entire life.
It's been my experience that when you allow yourself to sit in your deep pain, you find out who you are. A friend of mine recently talked to me about his experience dating a younger man. While I understood where he was coming from, I looked at it from a deeper perspective.
It wasn't his age or the fact that he was younger that caught his eye or emotions. It was the fact that this person possessed something that many of his contemporaries did not: he was alive! Meaning that the younger man lived life; he didn't allow life to live him. When you are alive, you embrace the life you're meant to live: you take risks and you tell the truth.
Let's tell the truth. How many of us are existing instead of living? Think about it, if you're paying bills, have a car, great body and despite all of your accomplishments, despite all of that, you can't maintain real personal friendships, intimate relationships or you're filled with pain from the past then you are not living.
You are existing. Because of that, you are a silent prisoner of your pain and the pain inflicted on you by the world. Existence causes bitterness, anger and mistrust. Who wants to live with that much pain? I don't. I know you don't. However, in order to deal with the pain. We have to face it.
You may be asking yourself, How do I start the process of self-healing? One of the first ways you can face your pain is realizing that you are not alone. Though you may feel that way at times, you are always supported. Another way is simple yet effective: stop deflecting your life. For many of us, we have become experts at deflecting; using everything but facing our pain and truth. We all do it. It doesn't matter what it is: clubbing, shopping, food, sex, drugs, spirituality, etc. If you are using “things” instead of sitting down and dealing with your internal shit, you are deflecting. Plain and simple. Finally, start the process. That's right, start the damn process. Not Iyanla, not Bishop Jakes, not Oprah, not Joel Osteen, not Tyler. Y.O.U. No one can save you or fix your life but you I don't care how many times you speak in tongues, how many self-help books you read or how many crystals you own. These things can help you along the way. However, if YOU don't make a true and honest commitment to yourself to heal your pain, it will never go away.
This is your life. Only you can face it and fix it. What are you waiting for? Get to work! Sit in that pain, learn to be a friend, build an intimate relationship with yourself and tell your truth.
You can do this, I believe in you.
Love, Leo Brown :)