I Think I am Afraid to Love
While he worked, I played the housewife role although I'm verse (TRUST; buses ain't the only thang I slang). Anything I needed, he provided. Every bottom's dream, my ASS!!!!! I seemed spoiled to some eyes but it's so more to the story from what everyone witnessed....
A year into our relationship, we talked about marriage (I never saw the ring). You couldn't tell me anything after that. I was gonna have something to accompany the frequent jewelry, stuffed bears, flowers, cards, and candy. He better had wanted to put a ring on it because he was the one reason my father disowned me & put me out. He made me so happy at first but he had infidelity issues. First time it was some random he met at Splash (Black, Gay Pride) that year. We fought so much after that. And each and every time we fought, I found myself drinking heavily. He began coming home later than usual, he was always checking to see what I was doing and always accusing me of cheating. My drinking spiraled so far out of control to where I had to find something to occupy my time. I found a job at a local diner & decided to move out but maintain some type of relationship with him. That didn't work. He told me he didn't love me, that I wouldn't make it without him & I'll come crawling back. I was over it. By that time, he had cheated on me (again) with a mutual friend & that shattered our friendship. Don't let this innocent face fool you. He cheated on me & we fist fought so much that I began to do a little thotting (as the kids say) myself. He never caught me but let's leave that in the past.
Life without him helped me regain my independence. I ended up getting a CDL & driving for Metro but the dating pool has become very shallow since I was last single. I tried using Jack'd to find love (knowing that wasn't the site to be on for that). I would meet guys I found attractive & it was like they got what they wanted (sex wise) and ditched me afterwards. I met a guy who I was crazy about. I thought he was crazy about me too but after a few sexual encounters, the phone calls & home visits ended. Guy after guy, the same story kept repeating itself. Am I ugly?!?! Too old?!?! Why can't I keep a man??? I would try & fix myself up. I even tried making the first move (but got rejected/stood up several times). I got tired of being ditched, dumped & broken hearted. I became very insecure, so much that alcohol became my lover. That was wearing me out as well. It took a wise person to pull me to the side & give me the courage to keep trying to find love but first I needed to learn to love myself. "The Fuck?!", I thought about it & back to the bottle I went for a while. Of course, those words sunk in once my want to rebel faded. I began taking myself out on dates. I began doing any and everything I wanted for myself relationship wise. I've been jacking off since an early age and I have a toy (I barely use anymore) so I discovered I didn't need anyone to make me happy.
Once I started loving & satisfying myself, things shifted again. I've been introduced to different men & reacquainted with some of those of my past but I've turned down several opportunities to which could have possibly lead to a relationship. I'm terrified of what could happen based on what I've experienced as far as dating in this lifestyle. There are plenty of us who wear our hearts on our sleeve who are left alone to pick up & place the pieces of our broken hearts/our life after a breakup. Once we put everything together, we tend to shield/guard ourselves so that no one else will hurt us again but could it be that we are Afraid to LOVE???
I hope to encourage those who are hopeless romantics to not give up on love & that there is someone out there for everyone even if you have to love yourself. Even though I'm single, I still have hope.