My First Gay Wedding
Let’s back up.
I have been single for a while now and I have NOT been looking for somebody I can talk to, love me, or hold me. I have been comfortable. With all the things going on in my life, I am so focused on whatever success looks like for me.
My last relationship didn’t end bad. He is an awesome guy and, to be honest, I don’t know why we didn’t last other than the fact that he is quite bad at showing emotion and I am good at showing emotion when I’m upset: bad mix indeed. So, I’m not scorned. As far as the dating scene now, I have been “dating”. Like, I have been going on dates. Pretty much the extent I’ve gone. I think I am date-able. I am on the apps and I see potential. But I have been focused. Focused on the next level, focused on building my brand, hell sometimes just focusing on making sure I get the next gig. So, I felt like I wasn’t ready or good enough.
A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a good friend about why people think I am husband material when I don’t even feel like I’m at a place to be a boyfriend. In my mind, I am all fucked up, currently positioned and in a waiting period to see how the universe responds to what I am trying to create. With people, they see something in me that makes me constantly get asked, “Why aren’t you in a relationship?” Don’t you hate that question? Shit.
Well, anyway. I was invited to this wedding with two guys I know in passing as a +1 to their officiant, Bishop Shon Stewart. Shout out to Darnell and Emmanuel King-Pledger! To let you know a little about myself: I am shy, reserved and pay attention to everything that’s going on in person without liquid courage and, of course, at the actual ceremony there were no alcoholic beverages. So, I was sitting there quietly by myself watching everything that was going on.
I’m sitting in the back watching everything play out, analyzing things as I do regularly. I counted 2 columns of 10 rows with 7 on each side of the row (yes, I counted) coming to a total of 140 chairs. All full. Actually, they had to add chairs for people to sit down. Mixed crowd by race, gender, and sexual expression. Wow. They are supported. Beautiful venue. Elaborate set-up. Wow. They are invested. The wedding started. Big wedding party. Parents included. Wow. They are affirmed. Real tears when they saw each other. Self-written vows. Wow. They are serious. This wasn’t an “I just want to be married. Let me show these people how you do it,” kinda thing.
And that’s when my emotional ass felt it. The exact moment was when one of them said, “I didn’t know I was missing a piece of me until I met you.” Wait. Bitch. Wait. Just… wait.
I have been thinking about the act of getting married for some time. And I know when I find my husband, I will know by his touch and how the energy from him makes me feel. It’s not a fairytale. It’s not a dream. That’s very real for me. And what is so powerful to me was they implicated through their vows to each other that they were both very broken people when they met, but they “knew” each other before they got to know each other. That’s how you know it’s real.
Then, I got something. I have been so fucked up over getting myself together and/or finding someone together that I have missed it. If you want your missing piece, there must be a piece missing. I have been waiting all this time to get right before I put myself out there and the universe is constantly sending me messages saying, “You’re already good enough.” It’s time in the day to work on myself and be open to the idea of partnership.
I normally have a very clear reason to write things like this, but tonight I don’t. Well, I guess it’s just to simply say someone is waiting on you to be the piece of them they didn’t know was missing. And that’s even if you’re in pieces.